Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton finally met this week in the fitting town of Unity, New Hampshire. Later, the duo will meet in the town of Please Forget All Those Terrible Things I Said, Maryland.

The Supreme Court overturned a ban on handguns in Washington DC this week by a 5-4 vote. Justice Kennedy explained his vote by citing the intentions of the constitutional framers and the fact that Justice Scalia had a gun to his head.

It was announced this week that the average age of television watchers is now 50 years old. In response, HBO will be airing “God I really don’t feel like having Sex and that City.”

Citing major terrorist attacks during the first year of both Clinton’s and Bush’s presidencies, Joe Lieberman predicted there will be another terrorist attack in 2009. Yeah, cuz that’s the old stereotype about terrorists: reliable and predictable.

This week marks the hundredth anniversary of the invention of the SOS signal. To celebrate, Ham Radio Operators everywhere will be - . .-.. .-.. .. -. –. / — ..-. ..-. / -.-. — .-.. — .-. / .-. .- -.. .. — / .— — -.- . … (HR operators everyone laugh knowingly.)

The Scottish Government has blamed inaccurate websites such as Wikipedia for falling test scores this week. Said one student, “This is just like when the Jews blamed the Brazilians for causing the Bubonic Plague in the 1970s.”

Terrible floods have struck Iowa this week. The floods will last 40 days and 40 nights, said Midwest high school science teachers.

British singer/party girl Amy Winehouse has been diagnosed with emphysema. I assume they will try to make her go to rehab, or else she will die die die.

A dog with one eye and three legs won the annual “World’s Ugliest Dog” competition, edging out several other dogs and my ex-girlfriend’s soul.

By 2015, 17% of Americans will have had plastic surgery, or 85% of people named Joan Rivers will be plastic surgery.

Broadway’s 62nd annual Tony Awards were held on Sunday. The biggest winners were “South Pacific” and “August Osage County,” while the biggest losers, for the 62nd straight year, were straight women trying to find dates.

Five years after being attacked on stage, Siegfried and Roy welcomed five new tigers to their menagerie in Las Vegas, the most expensive of which was an African golfer that won that U.S. Open this weekend.

Democratic lawmakers gave 165 billion dollars to the Bush administration this week for the next year of the war in Iraq. With that money, we could just give every Iraqi citizen about 6,000 dollars. Chew on that.

A group of four women in Florida have been dressing up as nurses, and then mugging senior citizens outside of a Wal-Mart. That’s the kind of naughty nurse this guy likes.

This week heralded the hundredth anniversary of the invention of the teabag. To celebrate, the president of Lipton will have a hundred employees dip their balls in his mouth.

The Puerto Rican Pride Parade came through New York this week. Unfortunately, the otherwise joyous events was protested by the Jets.

Two men scaled the 52 story New York Times building this week in order to raise money for malaria. A third climber was supposed to climb for global warming, but pulled out due to the heat wave.

Scientists have figured out a way to clone hair follicles, which will eliminate baldness within five years. Unfortunate side effects include Vin Diesel looking way less awesome.

George W. Bush said this week that he regrets his legacy as a warmonger. No word yet on his legacy as a stupid dumbass.

The ashes of Kurt Cobain disappeared this week. Police are looking first in Courtney Love’s nostrils.

Warner Brothers has reported that 85% of the audience for the opening weekend of “Sex and the City: The Movie” was ladies. The other 15%: drunk chicks from Long Island.

Barack Obama clinched the Democratic nomination, prompting Hillary Clinton to finally pull out of the race. And run for president of Puerto Rico.

To cut costs, Coors has begun brewing their beer at the Miller brewery in the Midwest, prompting them to change their slogan to “Tap the Lake Michigan.”

To save money on fuel, American Airlines has decided to ground its 747’s. The planes will not be allowed to watch TV or hang out with their friends.

A court in Scotland has ruled that an ex-convict is no longer allowed to make sexual advances on women any time he is under the influence of alcohol. Or as they call it in Scotland: any time.

Professional racecar driver Danica Patrick crashed her car during a disappointing day at the Indianapolis 500 this past weekend. Forensic experts say the reason for the crash: She has a vagina.

The Blind Person Society of America is filing a class-action suit against the US Treasury, claiming that paper money discriminates against them. Also saying money discriminates against them? Poor people.

An unmanned Japanese train station has been using a cat as its station master, paying it in food rather than money. Japanese transit authorities say the feline’s public service announcements are more intelligible than those of the New York Subway system.

California recently overturned its ban on gay marriage. To reflect this change, the state flag of California will now show a bear and a twink.

The nation of Estonia held its first internet election this week. “This is a proud day for our country,” said the president of the country formerly known as Stonia.

When the founders of this great country set out to form a “more perfect union,” what did they mean? More perfect than what? A “10″ in Olympic gymnastics? An “A+” on a term paper? Canada?

Here we are, in 2008, 232 years after some men with quills signed their names on a piece of parchment. Overall, things are pretty good. But it doesn’t mean that everything in the world is perfecter than John Adams’ wildest dreams. I mean, his alcoholism is on display weekly on HBO.

Every Wednesday, come watch the silliest, weirdest, and imperfectest news stories come to life in New York City’s Times Square. If the news breaks, the New York Times will report it. CNN will discuss it. We dance it.